I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
