theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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