I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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