I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
