You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
