thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
