Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
im on a boat
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