He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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