my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Is it because I queefed?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
