dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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