Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
