I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
