your room smells of hookers.
And success
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize