i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
