how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
