She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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