We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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