pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
