Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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