Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
