I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
