nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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