I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
