I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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