if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
