i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
