just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i would punch a child for taco bell
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
