The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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