I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
