Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
