i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
