i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
