Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
