I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
