I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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