I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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