She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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