Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
