1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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