so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You're a waste of cheezeits
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
