Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You're like the curious george of whores
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
