I accidentally burped into my bong.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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