I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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