You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
