How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
