I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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