I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
