next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
