it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
