I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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